So you love Caboose, what is WRONG with you?
by DuoJagan
Summary: Blue team gets a real doctor who has a thing for caboose, hence the romance. It's not really romance. Its basacly just humor, and humor, and more humor...just read it.
1. So doctors still make house calls

**RED VS BLUE**

**So you love Caboose…what is wrong with you?**

**Chapter 1**

**So doctors still make house calls**

**As I have promised there IS a sequel. And there shall be another after this! And another after that! And…well…by that time I may have been killed in my sleep so no promises. Anyways I recommend reading my other RvB fic before reading this. Clark Cradic's idea is the center of this fic. I did promise that if you had a brilliant idea you wanted me to use, I would use it. Anyways just read it for yourself and enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Red vs Blue, the company that makes Oreo's, the gun that was used to assassinate that person who tried to sue me, Mr. Potato head, or the hand grenade that someone tried to kill me with…I have a very active life. **

Andy: "I SAID! You should call a doctor."

Caboose: "Don't do it."

Church: "Relax, I can get a REAL doctor instead of a medic"

Caboose: "I don't know, I liked Doc. He said nice things about me when my toe died."

Church: "Yah…I'm gonna get a REAL doctor."

Back in red base, Simmons was being accepted into the group, making Griff the hated one again.

Griff: "I don't see why I have to do this."

Sarge: "Those dead marines have been on that hill for the last three episodes. We need SOMEONE to clean up."

Griff: "But there are over 400 of them. And they stink! They have been lying out there for DAYS!"

Sarge: "Your going to quit just because of a few minor discomforts?"

Griff: "Normally yes. But in this case there are more than just a few MINOR discomforts. That was a battle field, I could accidentally step on a land mind. Or the pin of a grenade. I could die."

Sarge: "Which makes it vital that YOU be the one out there."

Griff: "Fine! But I won't do a very good job."

Simmons: "Live with it. All of us have work to do you know."

Griff: "Oh yah, what do you have to do?"

Simmons: "I have to make sure everyone's armor is on…yup looks like we all have our armor on. My job is done."

Donut: "And MY job is to make sure we all have our helmets on…and we all have our helmets on."

Sarge: "And MY job is to torture you and then laugh at your misery. So get out there and start shoveling up corpses, so I can laugh."

At blue base, Church was making an O so important call

Church: "Look it doesn't have to be this complicated…just send us a freaking doctor, SO I CAN STOP TALKING TO YOU!"

Vic Jr.: "But we still have to review your health care."

Church: "We've been doing that for THIRTY MINUTES!"

Vic Jr.: "Sorry dude but it's all part of procedure. Continuing with the review, when you were first born how many times did you blink before your umbilical cord was cut?"

Church: "HOW AM I SUPPPOSE TO KNOW THAT? HOW IS THAT EVEN IMPORTANT!"

Vic Jr.: "Well if you had been around for the last few decades, you would know that any baby who blinks more than three times before his or her umbilical cord is cut, is 30 more likely to spontaneously combust when eating chocolate.

Church: "What kind of messed up scientists do you have?"

Vic Jr.: "I can assure you that the top scientists of this century all agree with this discovery."

Church: "Let me tell you something, your scientists are MESSED UP!"

Vic Jr.: "Hey, it may be true that the worlds top scientists at this point, happen to be on several forms of pot, marijuana, and Tylenol, which in this time period is a deadly drug but they are not messed up."

Church: "Look can you PLEASE just get us a doctor!"

Vic Jr.: "Ok."

Church: "Wait…your agreeing? Why didn't you just say yes before?"

Vic Jr.: "You didn't say our secret word before, please."

Church: "Please is a secret word?"

Vic Jr.: "Yes no one would ever think that one of the three deadly words would be a secret word."

Church: "Please is a deadly word?"

Vic Jr.: "Yes ever since the telitubies started robbing banks and killing innocent people, saying please and thank you at every crime scene."

Church: "You're kidding."

Vic Jr.: "Nope. They killed fifty thousand people until they ate McDonalds space nuggets and has a heart attack. Ever since please and thank you have been two of the three deadly words."

Church: "What's the third deadly word?"

Vic Jr.: "Peanut butter."

Church: "Isn't that four words?"

Vic Jr.: "Um…yah I just ordered a doctor gotta go… Static… breaking up…BYE!"

Vic turned around and looked at the CIA agents that had been observing the phone conversation.

Vic Jr.: "He knows."

CIA person: "Why is he the first person to notice that its four words and not three?"

CIA person 2: "And more importantly why does it matter?"

Church hung up the phone, rather confused

Church: "Caboose, how many times did you blink before they cut your umbilical cord?"

Caboose: "I do not know what an umbilical cord is, but I did not blink when I was a baby."

Church: "You didn't blink? How is that possible?"

Caboose: "I have to think too hard to blink. It is like breathing, only harder. I would sleep with my eyes open so I did not have to think about keeping them closed. My parents said something about me being possessed before they broke up. I think it had something to do with those times that I would go to sleep while standing, and when I woke up everyone around me would be sleeping."

Church: "…………………………………………………"

Caboose: "Tell me about your childhood Church."

Church: "…………….You know what? How about we forget this conversation ever happened."

Back at the hill of doom, Griff had found an easy way to get rid of the corpses.

Griff dumped the marines bodies into the pool of mint Oreos. They dissolved, disturbingly quickly.

Griff: "Why did my Oreo's have to go to waste like this? If only I had THE Oreo…before _she_ took it before _she_ broke up with me. Wait why is _she_ italicized during this entire sentence?"

At that exact moment (I say that a lot don't I?) A dropship flew above blue base. A Spartan in pink armor jumped out.

Pink armor: "GET OUT OF THE WAY I'M A DOCTOR!" The person in pink armor ran into blue base.

Pink armored person: "Where is the patient?"

Church: "Well it COULD be the person lying in bed with the ice bag over his head, just three feet away from you."

Pink armor person: "STAY CALM! My name is Karin and I will help you get through this."

Tucker: "Karin? You're a girl?"

Karin: "Yes what's it to you?"

Tucker whispered something into the doctors ear. Karin nodded and pulled a large hammer out of her bag, and then repeatedly hit Tucker with it.

Karin: "PERVERT DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Church: "Aren't you suppose to be helping him?"

Tucker started going into spasms.

Karin: "DAMN IT! MY brutal attack on his life put him into a state of shock. Every one stand back! I'm going to use the…shocky…machine…thing…"

Church: "Are you SURE you're a real doctor?"

Karin: "Where can I plug this in?"

Caboose: "The wall where the I-pod with bullet holes in it is recharging."

Karin: "Why is there an I-pod with bullet holes in your base?"

Church: "You haven't read the fic before this have you?"

Karin plugged the shocky machine, thingy into the wall.

Karin: "STAND BACK!" Karin clamped what looked like two ironing thingies…you know…the shocking machine thing, onto Tuckers chest. The lights flickered briefly, and then died.

Karin: "…what just happened?"

Church: "You blew the power."

Karin: "With just that?"

Church: "Red and blue base run on the same power source. Four double A batteries."

Karin: "You share your power with the enemy?"

Church: "Yes."

Karin: "And you never used this to your advantage?"

Church: "I don't see how we could."

Karin: "Further more, four double A batteries!"

Church: "Hey that's nothing. You should see what we do for food."

Back at red base the lights went out

Sarge: "DAMN IT! My only option is to blame Griff's stupidity!"

Donut: "OOH! The lights are out! Lets have a slumber party. We can play truth or dare."

Simmons: "I don't think so Donut."

Sarge: "Wait a minute Simmons, this COULD be interesting."

Sarge climbed up red base and hollered over to Griff

Sarge: "HEY GRIFF DO YOU WANT TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE WITH US!"

Griff: "No why would I?"

Sarge: "BECAUSE DONUT WILL MOST LIKELY PICK TRUTH! REMEMBER MY JOB IS TO TURTURE YOU AND LAUGH AT YOUR MISERY!"

Griff: "Why are you yelling? I'm three feet away from you."

Sarge: "QUIT MESSING AROUND AND GET IN HERE!"

Griff: "What if I say no?"

Sarge: "The way I see it, no matter what we are playing truth or dare or target practice."

Griff: "I think I will go with dare."

**Yup that was the first chapter. Read and review. The plot will develop next chapter. Just keep reading. I still don't the name for the electric thingy :D.**


	2. Truth or dare or midnight assault

**Chapter 2**

**Truth, or Dare, or midnight Assault**

**Yuppers, the second chapter is up. I am sure all of you whom worship me and my fic are now making sacrifices to your alter…What do you mean no one out there worships me and my fics? I SHALL HAVE A LEGION OF ZELOTS ONE OF THESE DAYS! Until then just read and review. **

**Cpt.ShaneSchofield: glad you liked it and glad you have managed to make "ha ha" part of every one of your reviews. This is becoming a bit of a tradition. **

**Clark Cradic: (I finally stopped putting the () after your name) Your welcome. It is insanely fun to write about Karin, she's the perfect match for Caboose. And remember she is YOUR OC so if I make her do anything you don't like, feel free to push me in the right direction.**

**The One True Koneko: I think it's better to call it SMT (shocking machine thingy) It makes everyone lives a lot easier…or just my life a lot easier. Or it could make my life worse. Who knows? **

Sarge: "Due to the unexpected power outage, we will now change our afternoon activities from, torturing Griff, to torturing Griff in a game of truth or dare."

Griff: "We already know that. That's why were here."

Sarge: "Now to be fair, Simmons goes first, followed by me, followed by Donut. And we save Griff for last."

Griff: "Wait, why?"

Sarge: "I want to be SURE that Donut goes before you so that you haven't been knocked unconscious by your dare before you listen to his truth. Now Simmons, Truth or Dare?"

Simmons: "Hm…..I think I will go with dare."

Griff: "I DARE you to kiss Sarge's ass!"

Donut: "YAH! I second that!"

Simmons: "Sarge you are awesome and the best leader the world has ever seen."

Sarge: "Thank you."

Griff: "NO! I MEANT LITERALY!"

Simmons: "You should have been more specific. Anyways it's Sarge's turn. Sarge, truth or dare?"

Sarge: "Dare."

Simmons: "I DARE you to hit Griff."

Griff: "WHAT! NO!"

Sarge: "GRIFF! I order you to second that."

Griff: "No way."

Donut: "It's ok I'll second that."

Sarge ran over and hit Griff over the head.

Griff: "I will get you for that."

Sarge: "Donut it's your turn. Truth or Dare?"

Griff: "Please don't…"

Donut: "Truth."

Griff: "Why is everyone against me?"

Simmons: "Donut, tell us your deepest darkest secret."

Sarge: "I second that."

Donut: "Well…"

Across blood gulch, Church was arguing with the new doctor when he could have sworn he heard Griff scream in terror.

Church: "What was that?"

Karin: "I told you it's the, shocky machine thingy."

Church: "No the scream."

Karin: "What scream?"

Church: "Oh never mind."

Caboose walked into the base.

Caboose: "Church, I think that the power is out."

Church: "Really what was your first clue? The lights going out, or me arguing with this doctor about our power going out?"

Caboose: "I…think it was when Tucker stopped throwing up."

Church: "The power doesn't change whether Tucker throws up or not."

Caboose: "Church…I think I know something about power outs. When the power goes out, everything turns off. Even people."

Church: "Then why haven't turned off?"

Caboose: "Maybe we run on batteries."

Karin: "That is just about the DUMBEST thing that anyone has…ever…"

Karin made eye contact with Caboose which is rather hard considering the fact that they were both wearing helmets.

Karin: "Hi, my name is Karin. What's yours?"

Caboose: "Hello commander pop tarts. My name is Caboose. What are you doing away from red team?"

Karin: "Caboose, that's a funny name." Karin giggled.

Church: "Caboose your confused, this is the new doctor. Private DONUT is still at red team."

Karin raised her hammer of doom in a threatening manner.

Karin: "He didn't ask you!"

Church: "………why do you carry that thing around?"

Karin: "I don't know…"

Tucker: "Ugh, what happened?"

Caboose: "Tucker. Your awake. The power must be back."

Church: "Caboose quit being an idiot."

Karin: "YOU'RE THE IDIOT BUB!"

Church: "What? Me?"

Karin: "Caboose is obviously the most intelligent person here! His comment was based on a knowledge of science that you will NEVER ascertain!"

Church: "He thought that the power was back because Tucker woke up."

Tucker: "What happened anyways? All I remember is this violent chick…with a hammer."

Karin: "Yes, Caboose is SO intelligent that his comments are SO sophisticated that they sound stupid to your feeble minds."

Caboose: "I don't know what you said, but you said my name in it so I think it's a compliment…because people don't say bad things about me."

Karin: "SEE! He is smart enough to figure out I was complimenting him."

Caboose: "Does anyone have a blanket? I came in here to fetch Sheila one."

Karin: "Sheila? Who's Sheila?"

Church: "She's the tank. Caboose has a crush on her." Church figured that this comment would deter the doctor in pink armor.

Karin: "Here is a blanket Caboose." Karin gave Caboose a blanket with a time bomb in it.

Caboose: "Thank you commander cup cakes."

Karin: "aawwwww you already gave me a pet name."

Caboose: "No Caboose is just confusing you with…"

Karin: "I DIDN'T ASK YOU!"

Church: "…eep…"

Caboose left to give Sheila the blanket, which by the way could not possibly fit around a tank.

Church: "So, just what do you see in him?"

Karin: "He's smart, hansom, strong…"

Church: "Smart? You're kidding me and what do you mean hansom? You've never seen his face. HE IS WEARING A HELMET!"

Karin: "I just get that feeling you know. It's…true love."

Upon saying the words true love a sparkly background came out of no where.

Tucker: "Where did those sparkles come from?"

The sparkly background then exploded and sparkly dust flew into Tuckers eyes.

Tucker: "AH! IT BURNS!"

Church: "Yah…I know what you mean…I feel that way about Tex. I mean, she hates me guts and quite frankly she's a bitch, but…you know…I know what you mean…hey where did you go?"

Tucker: "Dude she went off to stalk Caboose about a minute ago."

Church: "GOD DAMN IT! I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY EMOTIONS! THIS IS WHY GUYS AREN'T SUPPOSE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!"

Tucker: "Jeeze that girl is almost as bad as Tex. I mean we finally have a girl girl on our side and she is interested in Caboose…AND NOT ME!"

Church: "Yah…I'm gonna go outside and make sure she isn't trying to blow up Sheila or something."

Outside of blue base, Caboose was giving the blanket to Sheila.

Caboose: "Here you go Sheila. I got this for you."

Sheila: "Awww that's so sweet. I always wanted to use a blanket for target practice."

Caboose: "Target practice….oh yah sure….target practice is what I was hoping you would use this for."

Sheila: "Good just throw it up into the air."

Caboose did as he was told and Sheila shot right through the blanket just as Church was coming out of blue base. Her bullet went through the blanket and landed just three feet away from Church.

Church: "AH! ITS HAPPENING AGAIN! WHY DOES MY OWN TANK WANT TO KILL ME?"

Church retreated back into the base where Karin was mourning the loss of her time bomb.

Church: "Cursid Tank…with her big gun…and unlimited ammo…and armor and…wait… Maybe we can use Sheila and attack red base while they can't see us!"

Karin: "THAT'S WHAT I TOLD U TO DO LAST CHAPTER!"

Church: "Hey, let me have my moment."

Back at red base Donut was finally finishing his long, disturbing, and scary story

Donut: "Then we realized that the closet wasn't locked. And Make and Jim finished…"

Griff: "PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS!"

Simmons: "Wow Sarge, turning our radio's off was a brilliant Idea."

Sarge: "Yes, although I am curious at what Donut possibly could have been saying for half an hour."

Griff: "Its ok…Its ok…Its ok…" Griff was shuddering in the corner…poor Griff.

Sarge: "Well I suppose it's Griff's turn. Griff! Truth or dare!"

Griff: "Its ok…Its ok…Its ok…Its ok…"

Sarge: "I think that means truth."

Griff: "Its ok…Its ok…."

Simmons: "Are you sure he can really say anything? I mean in his current state."

Griff: "Its ok…Its ok…Its ok…"

Sarge: "GRIFF! I JUST GOT A NEW BATCH OF OREOS!"

Griff snapped back to normal

Griff: "Where are you hiding them?"

Sarge: "Donut ate them."

Donut: "I DO need to keep up my diet you know."

Griff: "Oh well that's just GREAT! If you need me, I will be rocking back in forth in the corner of the base."

Sarge: "No dice. When you play truth or dare, you have to do what you say. And you said truth."

Griff: "No I didn't you said I did."

Sarge: "I'm the leader I get to decide these things."

Griff: "Fine. What do you want to know."

Sarge: "hm…."

Simmons: "hmmm…."

Donut: "Tell us about your boyfriend!"

Griff: "I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend."

Simmons: "Yah Donut did you actually think that he could actually get a girlfriend? Or boyfriend?"

Griff: "Well I USE to have a girl friend…"

Sarge: "That's just a bit disturbing…"

Griff: "Here name…was KARIN!"

Insert thunder in back ground.

A million random and unnecessary close ups.

Simmons: "Who?"

Griff: "Haven't you been reading the fic?"

Simmons: "Nope."

Griff: "Karin…she's a doctor. She broke up with me. Something about me caring more about THE Oreo than her."

Donut: "THE Oreo?"

Griff: "Quadroople stuffed mega Oreo… It was hard to get but believe me I got it."

Simmons: "Well what happened?"

Griff: "I think it would be easier if we just used the FLASHBACKIFY machine.

Sarge: "We can't there's no power."

Donut: "Let me handle this. We can reenact this. I already have a script…which is odd because I don't know what happened…and because I've only written two scripts in my life and this isn't one of them…"

Simmons: "It's a plot hole live with it."

Griff: "Don't do this."

Donut: "It's too late. Everyone take your places."

Simmons pulled out a bunch of props out of no where.

Sarge: "Hello. I am Griff…I am a complete idiot who does not have the hand eye coordination to eat a ham sandwich. Ooh look the temple of the lost Oreos."

Donut: "STUNT DOUBLE!"

Griff was forced into the middle of the props.

Indiana Jones music starts to play.

Griff: "Hey didn't we destroy the I-pod playing the music?"

Sarge, Donut, Simmons: "Plot device."

If you've watched Indiana Jones, Raiders of the lost arc, just imagine the beginning…except with every booby trap hitting Griff.

Griff: "AH! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE STUNT DOUBLE!"

Simmons: "You've lived through this ordeal before. You would act it better than us."

Donut: "Ok the pain Is over. Take off the stunt double."

Sarge took Griff's place.

Sarge: "Alas I have the quadruple stuffed mega Oreo."

Simmons: "Hi I'm Karin. You're a bad boyfriend and I'm gonna steal your Oreo."

Sarge: "NOOOOOO!"

Donut: "And CUT! Great work everyone."

Griff: "Yah, and two weeks later I was transferred to blood gulch."

Simmons: "Haven't you tried tracking her down?"

Griff: "Dude were in the future she is probably dead…unless…"

Simmons: "Unless what?"

Griff: "Well she was involved in that cryogenic freezing experiment."

Simmons: "Yah so she could be alive."

Griff: "Yah but I'm stuck here…and what are the odds of her being alive in this time period, and being here? We would have to be in some kind of messed up fan fiction for that to happen."

The odds are actually 1048811958154896292 to 1. Anyways in blue base…

Tucker: "Where are you going?"

Karin: "Oh I'm gonna tag along on the midnight assault."

Tucker: "Oh you can fight?"

Karin: "no…."

Tucker: "Then what's the point?"

Karin: "You know for moral support…and an opportunity to destroy Sheila."

Tucker: "What?"

Karin: "What? I didn't say anything incriminating out loud…except that I was going to destroy Sheila…"

Tucker: "What?"

Karin: "um…." Being at a loss of words, Karin threw her handy dandy hammer at Tuckers face, knocking him completely unconscious.

Karin: "You know I should probably take better care of my patients."

Sheila, Caboose, and Church snuck behind red base

Church: "Ok Caboose, you pilot Sheila and shoot at the enemy."

Caboose: "How do I know who the enemy is?"

Church: "The base is right in front of us."

Caboose: "I know but which base is ours." The power outage had knocked out the red and blue lights

Church: "The base DIRECTLY INFRONT OF US is the enemy base.

Caboose: "Got it." Sheila shot red base.

Church: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Caboose: "You said to shoot the base."

Church: "No shoot the people NEAR the base." Sheila's main cannon looked directly at Church.

Church: "Um…then again you can shoot the base."

Sheila started shooting the base again.

Sarge: "GRIFF! Go out there and see what's making that ruckus."

Griff walked out side.

Church aimed his sniper rifle at Griff's head.

Sheila: "Church you may want to consider switching weapons. My data banks say that you have a 99.9 chance of messing up the mission."

Church: "Well at least I have SOME chance of hitting someone with this."

Sheila: "The last .1 is that your aim will be so bad it somehow disrupts the fabric of space and time, thus killing all of us."

Church: "You know what, buzz off not even I can miss this shot! Its true that I don't have the incredible sniper skillz that the author has, but my rifle is aimed at his head. And for some reason he hasn't noticed us."

Griff: "Hm, for some reason I fell like doing a matrix dodge."

Church fired three shots.

Griff bent over, and the bullets went sailing over him in slow motion.

Church: "Oh…my…god…I'M SUCH A BAD SNIPER MY BULLETS WENT IN SLOW MOTION!" Church threw down his sniper rifle in frustration. In a twist of fate and luck, the sniper rifle fired it's last bullet upon impact with the ground, which ricocheted off of red base and hit Griff in the foot.

Griff: "AH! MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!"

Church: "YES! I ACTUALY HIT SOMEONE! DID YOU SEE THAT!"

Sheila and Caboose were still shooting the wall.

Church: "…oh come on the ONE time I hit something you guys are actually too busy attacking the enemy to notice."

Sarge: "BY GOD! GRIFF IS HIT! Hurry call Doc on the double?"

Simmons: "Wait you WANT Doc to help Griff?"

Sarge: "Course not. Chances are that Doc will make things worse. SIMMONS! Drag Griff inside in the most painful manner possible. Donut! Go attack that imaginary Tank."

Simmons: "THE TANK IS ATTACKING US AND YOU STILL CALL IT IMAGINATY!"

Donut ran over to Sheila.

Caboose: "Hello Karin what are you doing here?"

Donut: "I'm here to do something, I'm not sure what. Have you seen an imaginary tank around here?"

Caboose: "No Sheila is the only tank here and I am pretty sure that she is not imaginary. Maybe we can help you look for it."

Donut: "Hm…my mother told me never to go into a stranger's car. But my experiences have told me the opposite of that, plus this is a tank not a car." Donut stepped into Sheila.

Church noticed that his tank was driving away.

Church: "Now I KNOW they're trying to kill me! Leaving me here in the middle of battle."

Church ran off after Sheila just as Karin arrived at the battle.

Sarge: "Donut there you are! I am amazed that you managed to drive the tank off. How did you do that?"

Karin: "Huh?"

Sarge: "Hurry get inside, and watch our wounded solder here in pain."

Karin: "Wounded solder? Its my job as a doctor to help him…or to make it worse depending on the injury." Karin ran into the base.

Griff looked up to see a certain pink armored doctor.

Karin: "It's ok…calm down. Everything is going to be ok. Which foot were you shot in? The bleeding one? Or the one missing three toes?"

Griff: "Wait…I remember that voice…YOU!"

Karin: "YOU!"

Simmons: "YOU!"

Sarge: "What?"

Simmons: "Sorry sure normally Griff or Donut says the stupid comment and since Donut isn't here, Griff said the important comment, and I didn't want you to look stupid I was the only one left that could say it.

Sarge: "Oh…Ok then."

**I've said it before and I shall say it again. EVERYONE LOVES A CLIFFHANGER! Anyways read and review. I made this chapter despite my horrible illness (cough) the common cold (cough) so the least you could do is review. **


	3. PH34R The Glomp

**Chapter 3**

**PH34R The Glomp**

**After many hours of WOW, Halo, Halo 2, School (horrible, horrible School) and lighting myself on fire with a flamethrower to test the effects of a homicidal fan fiction author running through town on fire, I realized that something exists called Sleep deprivation. I still don't know what it is I think it has something to do with homicidal penguins of doom attempting to rule the world…or it could have something to do with a lack of sleep. I don't know. Anyways this chapter is inspired by fan girls everywhere…including you Sekah. But you wouldn't know cuz you STILL have not red this fic...yah that was a random comment. **

**Clark Cradic: So you have wished, so it shall be. But next chapter. I don't have enough room in this chapter to make an encounter with Tex. **

**Bryan: Ok I think you're maybe the third…or fourth…maybe even fifth person to say something along those lines. Sadly though many things in my fics like the appearance of 500 marines, can't be imitated on Halo or Halo 2 multiplayer. **

**Firebendingguy: I actually tried to count how many times you said "HA." Although for some reason I keep getting distracted by the smallest…ooooohhhh LOOK A KEYBOARD!...wait what was I saying? Oh yah thx for reviewing I will be sure to keep up the humor. **

**Cpt.ShaneShofield: Yes I needed a way for red team to be involved with the fic and that was the best way I could think of.**

**The One True Koneko: "I'm writing. I'm writing."**

Church arrived at blue base after retreating from the midnight assault that claimed the lives of three of Griff's toes. Yes that does mean the foot missing three toes was shot. The other foot was bleeding because Simmons dragged Griff over a knife.

Church: "Do you mind explaining why you retreated?"

Caboose: "I was just following my superiors orders."

Church: "But your only superior in this place is me. Whose orders were you following."

Donut: "Mine I guess."

Church: "Do you mind if I ask why you are here?"

Donut: "No."

Church: "……."

Donut: "………"

Church: "………."

Donut: "………."

Church: "Are you going to answer me or not?"

Donut: "I did."

Church: "No. I asked you why you were here and you didn't answer."

Donut: "No you asked me if I minded if you asked me and I answered."

Church: "………"

Donut: "………"

Church: "Oh for gods sake. Why are you here?"

Donut: "Well I was looking for the imaginary tank Sarge told me to attack but I couldn't find any imaginary tanks so I figured that there could be one at blue base. So I asked Caboose for a ride."

Church: "Ok better question. Caboose why did you give him a ride here?"

Caboose: "I was following my superiors orders."

Church: "He's not your superior he's your enemy. Even if he was on our side he's a private just like you!"

Caboose: "oh. Then who is my superior?"

Church: "Me and only me. You should only listen to me."

Caboose: "What about the voice in the back of my head? Should I listen to that?"

Church: "You mean your conscience?"

Caboose: "Um, does your conscience tell you to burn things?"

Church: "No."

Caboose: "Then no it is not my conscious."

Church: "I thought the voice went away when we got O'Malley out of your head."

Caboose: "This is a different voice. O'Malley told me to kill things but this voice tells me to burn things."

Church: "What kind of things does it tell you to burn?"

Caboose: "Houses, cars, grass, you in your sleep."

Church: "Yah don't listen to that voice. Wait…I just realized. Where's Karin?"

Andy: "It took you this long to figure out?"

Church: "Wait you knew she wasn't here and you didn't tell us?"

Andy: "Of course not. Why would I tell you? I wasn't in the fic for the first two chapters."

Church: "Don't blame me blame the author."

Andy: "Do you really think I'm stupid enough to anger the author?"

Donut: "Wait did you say Karin?...Hey that's the name of that chick with the quadruple stuffed Oreo."

Church: "What?"

Donut: "Yah she was Griff's girlfriend up to a point. And when they broke up she took his Oreo."

Church: "This could be useful. We need to get Karin back! She must be the only one who knows where it is!"

Donut: "In case you forgot, Red team is the team with the Oreo addicts."

Church: "Exactly there's no telling what you guys will give us in exchange for the quadroople stuffed Oreo."

Donut: "Quadruple."

Church: "What?"

Donut: "You said quadroople its spelt Quadruple."

Church: "I don't care either way we are going to get Karin back. Andy stay here and make sure nothing happens while we are gone."

While this..._interesting_ conversation was going on, Karin and Griff were having a discussion of their own.

Griff: "YOU STOLE MY OREO!"

Karin: "Who cares about you?"

Griff: "Well…there's…no wait…um…well…."

Karin: "SEE! No one cares about you! You're an ignorant selfish jerk!"

Griff: "HEY! I am not ignorant…or wait, no I'm not selfish! No that's not it either. Can you repeat that?"

Karin: "There is no way I'm going to save your foot!"

Griff: "Well who said I wanted you to save it!"

Karin: "I'm one of the best doctors there is! If I can't save it no one can."

Sarge: "Is that true?"

Griff: "Sort of. She can solve the most complicated problems but… not the simple ones."

Sarge: "Hows that?"

Griff: "No one knows. She's a medical prodigy who can cure anything but…when confronted with a simple task, like putting a band aid on a small child, she has to do something like cutting the kids finger off and reattaching it with the band aid. You know something complicated."

Karin: "The important thing is I get the job done."

Griff: "Yah but I don't want you to rip off my foot to take care of a bleeding foot and a foot missing two toes."

Karin: "Well you shouldn't worry since I won't help you."

Griff: "I don't want your help! What I want is the Oreo."

Karin: "Still the same insensitive jerk as always."

Griff: "Shut up! Quit being a bitch and give me my Oreo."

Karin: "What did you call me?" Karin held up her handy dandy hammer.

Griff: "OH MY GOD YOU STILL CARRY THAT AROUND WITH YOU!"

Karin: "It's the only thing of value you ever got me. Which is rather pathetic. Who gives their girlfriend a hammer for valentines day?"

Griff: "Well you must still like me if you keep it around with you."

Karin: "I keep it around with me because it helps inflict pain on insensitive jerks."

Griff: "Was that a threat? What did the other doctors say about threatening patients?"

Karin: "They said it helps keep the patient quiet."

Griff: "Jeeze there are a lot of evil doctors out there."

Sarge: "This truly is a happy day. We found someone who hates Griff just as much as me. And we also have a real doctor now. No more need for that worthless old Doc."

Simmons: "I agree sir Doc really is worthless."

Its amazing how many coincidences can be in one fic. Doc had gotten Simmons message and charged to blood gulch despite the AI's threats of doom and destruction, getting there just in time to hear everyone call him useless

Sarge: "The good news is that if he ever shows up again we can kill him. And O'Malley now that he's not important any more."

Doc backed away from red base.

O'Malley: "See you fool! They don't care about you! We should destroy them. That always makes me feel better."

Doc: "A good relation ship will always have some pot holes along the way. The important thing is that I don't make a mountain over a mole hill."

O'Malley: "Why the hell do you have to be such a pacifist."

Doc: "I prefer the term, consciences objector."

O'Malley: "You are weak! Being forced to cope with your body is perhaps the most gruesome form of torture that anyone can be forced to live with! And I should know. I was in AP torturing in evil AI school."

Doc: "Really? I was in AP English. I was a great poet. Do you want to hear a poem?"

O'Malley: "NO!"

Doc: "Please."

O'Malley: "Never."

Doc: "I'll make it quick."

O'Malley: "Shut up you fool! We are going to go back to Lopez and initiate my master plan."

Doc: "Hey I wasn't informed about any master plan."

O'Malley: "Well I haven't thought of it yet. But I will. And when I do it will be pppppuuuuuurrrrreeee eeeeeeeevvvviiiiiilllllllllll!"

Doc: "You should really plan ahead until waiting until the last second to come up with a plan."

O'Malley: "Shut up you fool. Now we must get back to Lopez. He is hiding at the rock formation. Fortunately I don't think there are any obstacles between ourselves and him."

Sheila's main cannon fired at red base.

Sarge: "We're under attack! Everyone get behind Griff."

Griff: "Oh come on I'm wounded. Can't you give me a break just this once?"

Sarge: "If you like we can break your legs."

Griff: "Human shield is good."

Church: "Red team! We are prepared to have a hostage exchange."

Simmons: "Hostage exchange? What is he talking about?"

Donut: "HI GUYS!"

Simmons: "Oh right. I forgot about him."

Church: "We will give you back Donut if you give us back our Doctor!"

Griff: "Don't do it. I need to get that Oreo back."

Sarge: "Well if it tortures Griff, sure we will give you your hostage back."

Karin and Donut switched places, ignoring Griff's complaints.

Caboose went out of Sheila and greeted Karin.

Caboose: "Hello Karin. We are here to rescue you. Do not panic. We will find a way to get you out of there."

Karin: "You want to save me! YIPPIE! I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!"

A background with little hearts appeared behind them.

Caboose: "What is with all of the floating hearts?"

Karin: "Hearts means love! You must have meant that your love for me floats up to the heavens! I LOVE YOU TO!"

That's when it happened.

GLOMP!

Church: "You practically make up every word he says. Oh wait never mind you DO make up every word he says."

Church realized that there was no response. Karin had a death hold on Caboose.

Caboose: "I think my ribs…are…hurting…or is that my spine? Maybe it is my brain. I thought I had lost that."

Sarge: "Now's our chance! ATTACK!"

Simmons and Sarge jumped down from Red base and charged at Church.

Church: "Caboose help me out here…"

Caboose: "Church…I see a light."

Church: "Go towards the light Caboose. Go and NEVER come back to haunt me as a ghost."

Caboose: "I…can't."

Church: "Yes you can! Embrace death! Please for gods sake go to hell or heaven I don't care which as long as you aren't anywhere close to me."

Caboose: "No I mean I can't walk towards the light as long as she is hugging me like this."

Sarge: "CHARGE!"

Church: "Great the only way to get out alive is to get Karin off of you so we can fend of Red team and retreat."

Sarge and Simmons were still charging. Church tried to pry Church and Karin apart but to no avail.

Church: "It looks like this is the end."

The author then realized that if blue team was wiped out there would be no story.

The author used his powers over the fic and the key board to make himself appear next to Church.

Duo Jagan: "Give me your gun!"

Church: "You…you're the author."

Duo: "Yes. And I am an expert on glomps. My best friend is a Yaoi fan girl. Though she STILL has not read my fics. Anyways if anyone can stop Karin it is I. Now hand me your weapon."

Church handed his gun to the author who slowly aimed at Karin's head.

Duo: "Aim…steady…LOOK UP THERE IT'S A RANDOM BISHIE WITHOUT A SHIRT ON!"

Karin continued hugging Caboose.

Duo: "Alright time for the heavy artillery. LOOK IS THAT KURAMA IN PAIN AND WITHOUT HIS SHIRT!"

Karin continued to glomp Caboose, completely ignoring the author.

Duo: "Well she either doesn't watch anime, or she is the deadliest glomper the world has ever seen…no wait third deadliest…no fourth…no…actually tenth. But still very deadly all the same. In any rate there is nothing I can do."

Church: "You're the author! You can change the fic! Can't you."

Duo: "I would but I'm busy. There's someone in Penguin gods fic defying the script. I have a busy schedule."

Church: "Busy schedule? Dude you spend two hours once or twice a week typing your story, let penguin god read it, spend less than five seconds checking for spelling errors, read penguin god's fic, and then forget about your fic for the rest of the week!"

Duo: "HEY! There is no need to inform the readers of my methods. Anyways I hav to go."

Church: "See you said hav instead of have. If you spent even two minutes checking for errors that wouldn't happen."

Duo disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Church: "Wait…YOU STILL HAVE MY GUN!"

Sarge was still charging at Church.

Church: "Well unless another great entity wants to save me it looks like I'm toast."

A whole lot of penguins appeared out of no where.

Penguin god: "NEVER PH34R I AM….somewhere…I think I may be here."

Church: "YES! At least the beta reader can save me."

Penguin god: "Nope I'm writing my smash brothers fic. I have a busy schedule."

Church: "Then why are you here?"

Penguin god: "I'm on vacation."

Church: "You were just on vacation."

Penguin god: "It's penguin #65 day it's a day off."

Church: "How many numbers are there."

Penguin god: "365.25"

Church: ".25?"

Penguin god: "In case of a leap year."

Church: "Every day of the year is your vacation?"

Penguin god: "Needless to say I don't get any work done."

Penguin god disappeared in a flash of smoke and Penguins.

Church: "I don't suppose there are any OTHER higher beings that would care to help me?"

Silence

Church: "Clark Cradic, CptShaneSchofeild, The One True Koneko,Tom Cruise? ANYONE!"

Sarge: "HEY! Don't ask for the reviewers help. That's not fair."

Church: "Wait, we have Sheila! SHEILA ATTACK!"

Church realized that Sheila was no longer right next to him.

O'Malley: "HA HA NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR TANK NOTHING CAN STOP ME!"

O'Malley fired at the reds, scattering Sarge and Griff.

Church used this opportunity to carry Caboose and Karin back to blue base.

O'Malley: "Now we must fetch Lopez and initiate the master plan! Which I HAVE thought of now."

Church ran into the cover of blue base.

Tucker: "Hey Church how did the midnight assault go?"

Church: "That was last chapter. How long have you been out?"

Tucker: "Well maybe if a certain Doctor didn't keep hitting me with a hammer I would be in better condition."

Church: "Oh yah help me pry Karin off of Caboose."

Tucker: "Man why won't she glomp me like that?"

A certain hammer made contact with Tuckers face…again…wow this is the third time.

Church: "Is the author TRYING to find a way to keep Tucker out of his fics? First he dies in his first fic and now he has spent three chapters unconscious!"

Karin: "Oh my god how did this happen? Cabooses ribs have been crushed!"

Church: "um…that's kind of your fault."

Karin: "REGARDLESS! I must tend to his wounds."

Church: "What about Tucker?"

Karin: "Who cares about him! And now with Sheila gone there are no girls on bleu team to stop me from having Caboose."

Tex walked up to blue base.

Tex: "Well I may have lost Wyoming but maybe I can take some supplies from here. It's not like anything big or important happened while I was away."

**Will Tucker remain conscious for a whole chapter one of these days? Will the author quit picking on him? Will Karin stop picking on him? Does anyone care? What will happen to Sheila? What will happen to Tex? What will happen to red team? What will happen to that chipmunk over there with no importance to the fic? Find out next time on Dragon ball Z! I mean…Red vs Blue. **

**Read and Review! I'm hoping to post chapter 4 at the end of the week or the weekend…which IS the end of the week. At any rate R&R…no that DOESN'T MEAN REST AND RELAXATION THAT MEANS READ AND REVIEW! GET WITH THE TIMES!**


	4. It's time to make fun of soap operas

**Chapter 4**

**Time to Make Fun of Soap Operas.**

**After watching the Winter Olympic Lames I decided that Sarge is right. We DO need more polar bears in sports events. So if you turn on the news and hear a report about some psychotic maniac letting a rabid polar bear into the Yankee Stadium…yah that's me. Fortunately their insurance covers rabid polar bear being released into stadium injuries. On a different note, OMFG I ONLY GOT 2 REVIEWS! This calls for a limited time offer. **

**You have a chance to win ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Warning Money could be fake, or there could be no money All you have to do is review! Duo Jagan can not be held responsible for any injuries caused by pressing the review button. **

**Cpt.ShaneSchofield: Yes it was damn funny. Yes I will keep it up. You just LOVE tormenting me with your nine word, monosymbolic (I can't spell that) reviews don't yah? Well that's a good thing. Torturing authors gives them inspiration. How do you think Edgar Allen Poe makes his works? **

**Clark Cradic: Hmmm…….. A pelican full of hunters. Mwuhahah HAHAH AHAHAH ha…..ha…..wow laughing evilly takes effort how does O'Malley do it? I personally would make it a drop ship full of higher arks. And have the higher arks talk them to death! The most feared form of torture. The covenant have the higher arks and we have pop music. We BOTH use methods of cruel torture. (no offense to any fans of pop music. I just couldn't resist saying that.)**

Sheila arrived at the rock formation, which was rather pointless because it was a 10 second drive away from the battle at red base.

Sheila: "You said you would take me to Lopez if I let you pilot me. Where is he?"

O'Malley: "He's somewhere over here."

Sheila: "Ok…but if it looks like your trying to pull something I will use my unlimited supply of ejector seats to launch you into the canyon wall."

O'Malley: "Well it looks like it won't come to that. Here's Lopez."

Lopez: "que les hacer por ello?" (What are you doing in her?)

O'Malley: "She wanted to see you."

Sheila: "I wanted to thank you for the pleasant Christmas Card."

Lopez: "tu acepto." (your welcome)

O'Malley: "That's it?"

Sheila: "Well I'll be seeing you around. Bye."

Sheila drove off as if nothing had just happened.

O'Malley: "That's it? Lopez you FOOL! We could have used her in our plan!"

Lopez: "que desino?" (what plan?)

Doc: "Well O'Malley what did I tell you? You shouldn't make your plans depend on a particular factor. If I made my insurance plans depend on an AI NOT infesting my body I wouldn't have gotten that huge pay off."

O'Malley: "I admit it you made one good decision! And that pay off helped spruce up the evil lair."

Doc: "I still say we should have saved it. In case of a disaster. It's always nice to have some extra money somewhere in case something goes wrong."

O'Malley: "Shut up you fool."

Doc: "I for example have a secret stash where I put 5 of my profits."

O'Malley: "We share the same mind you fool! I know where the stash is. And while you were asleep I spent it on ammo for my rocker launcher."

Doc: "If we want to save our relation ship we need to stop doing things like this to each other."

O'Malley: "Oh shut up you fool! I will be sure to kill you as slowly as possible once I get my own body. Now listen to my plan."

About a ten second drive away at red base, Griff was spying on Karin cuz he is totally jealous of Caboose.

Griff: "I AM NOT JEALOUS!"

Suuuuuurrrreeeeee you aren't

Griff: "You're the narrator! Your not suppose to argue with me!"

Technically I'm the author and I can do whatever I please.

Griff: "Oh yah prove it!"

Sarge: "GRIFF! I have a sudden unexplainable urge to cause you bodily harm."

Griff: "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

Sarge: "GRIFF! My unexplainable and unusual urge to cause you bodily harm has passed. Now my normal urge to cause you bodily harm is coming back."

Griff: "Oh come on."

Simmons: "This time Griff were actually trying to help you while we torture you. You see you have to learn to forget about the past. Were in the future now we can turn over a new leaf."

Griff: "What leaf? Do you think there are any leaves in this canyon!"

Simmons: "I was speaking metaphorically."

Griff: "Do you think there are any metaphoric leaves in this canyon?"

Simmons: "Look forget about Karin as well as everything else on Earth you once knew. Things have changed."

Griff: "There's a chance she still likes me. She could have been hugging Caboose to make me jealous!"

Simmons: "I'm sorry Griff. I was hoping It wouldn't come to this."

Sarge: "I was."

Simmons: "Look at blue base I learned many shocking things. I can't tell you all of them because this fic takes place between episode 73 and 74 and we don't learn about those things till like episode 75. I can tell you this though…are you a fan of Naruto?"

Griff was suddenly wearing a T-shirt with the word NARUTO printed boldly in orange letters.

Griff: "…maybe…"

Simmons: "Well…maybe you should look for yourself."

There was a flash of smoke and a certain blonde ninja came out of no where.

Naruto: "MY NAME IS NARUTO UZIMAKI! REMEMBER IT!"

Griff: "I don't see how this is bad."

Naruto: "Dude I'm the dubbed Naruto."

Griff: "It can't be that bad."

Naruto: "A twelve year old plays my voice. Believe it."

Griff: "Could be worse."

Naruto: "It's cut."

Griff: "What?"

Naruto: "Yah they took out the blood and everything BELIEVE IT! Oh and in the dub I keep saying BELIEVE IT for no apparent reason."

Griff: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Sarge came in and shot the Dubbed Naruto

Naruto Fans: "HURRAY! NOW THAT THERE IS NO LONGER A DUBED NARUTO WE CAN LEGALY WATCH FAN SUBS!"

Griff: "Sarge why did you save me from that torture?"

Sarge: "That was as much torture to me as it was to you."

Griff: "You like Naruto?"

Sarge: "Of course everyone loves Naruto."

Naruto fans: "WE CONSUME 90 OF THE EARTHS POPULATION! WAHOO! THE OTHER 10 ARE DEPRIVED PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCH ANIME AND NEVER READ MANGA!"

Simmons: "Where did all of those people come from? And why do they only talk…or rather why do they only yell in caps."

Sarge: "We can not explain the authors biding."

Griff: "Look some things may have changed but I am not going to give up on Karin. I will do anything to get her back."

Mysterious Voice: "Griff…I can give you that power. All you have to do is join the dark side."

Simmons: "Sorry but we already did a star wars parody."

Mysterious Voice: "Oh…ok…If you need me I will just be sitting alone in this corner…lonely…with no one else."

Simmons: "Have fun."

Mysterious voice: "With no one who cares about me."

Simmons: "Sounds good."

Mysterious voice: "Where everyone seems to hate me."

Simmons: "That's nice."

Mysterious voice: "Its dark and spooky ominous voice isn't him? You like him better don't you?"

Simmons: "Sure do."

The mysterious voice went away crying

Dark and spooky Ominous voice: "What did I miss?"

Simmons: "Oh nothing really."

Sarge: "Look Griff they beat us. Even if we did want to help we've lost the battle to the blues and O'Malley. We lost our chance of finishing them off and attacking now would just be making ourselves sore losers. We have to wait a day after defeat to make it seem fair."

Griff: "You lost because you and Simmons were charging at them at maybe .2 miles an hour."

Sarge: "Now lets not blame each other for no reason. We should only blame Griff for no reason."

Griff: "I'm tired of not being respected around here! I will win the respect of my girlfriend and then we shall see who gets the last laugh."

Sarge: "I'm pretty sure it would be O'Malley. He laughs a lot."

Griff: "I'm going. Donut are you with me?"

Donut: "I'm sorry. I have to stay here and fix that tear in the drapes."

Griff: "We don't have any drapes."

Donut: "You can be really pessimistic sometimes do you know that?"

At blue base, Karin came face to face with the only other female…

Sheila: "What?"

I mean…only other HUMAN female in blood gulch.

Karin: "Who are you?"

Tex: "I'm a free lancer. I'm working for this team. Who are you?"

Karin: "I'm a doctor. I'm healing this team."

Tex: "Why do they need to be healed."

Karin: "Tucker is suffering from several hard objects hitting his head at a high velocity and Caboose has three broken ribs due to a brutal attack."

Church: "All of these things are your fault."

Karin hit Church with her hammer.

Karin: "And Church is unconscious. I have my work cut out for me."

Church: "Actually I'm still conscious."

Karin: "Don't contradict the doctor." Karin hit Church again.

Church: "OW! That hurt."

Karin started banging her hammer against Church's helmet.

Church: "Ow, ow, ow, ow, OW!"

Tex: "Um…as much as I love seeing Church in pain. Causing him misery is MY job."

Karin: "Oh that's right. He's your boyfriend. You can have him. I have much higher standards." Karin gestured towards Caboose.

Tex: "You call that higher standards? Caboose is nice but he is perhaps the biggest idiot the world has ever seen. At least church has an IQ of five."

Karin: "Your just jealous because I can get a boyfriend who isn't a ghost half of the RvB episodes."

Tex: "How did you know about that?"

Karin: "…know about what? I don't watch RvB? How can I? I'm a character…IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY!"

Tex: "Riiiigggghhhhttt."

Karin: "Besides, Caboose wouldn't want to go out with you anyways."

Tex: "What is that suppose to mean?"

Tucker awoke from his unconscious state, automatically screaming CATFIGHT!

Church: "You know in a twisted way, girls are fighting over me. I'm living Tuckers dream."

A hammer to the head silenced Church's babbling.

Tex and Karin started hitting each other. Tucker was watching while eating popcorn. Unbeknownst to them, there was an unwanted guest at the back door.

Griff: "Wow that's convenient. A distraction right when I get here." Griff was wearing a ninja suit over his Spartan armor.

Griff: "Now, time to use my awesome ninja skillz to sneak inside. (Disclaimer: I don't own legendary frog's jokes or works, or legendary frog. I think a fan girl in Alabama owns him though)

Griff (snuck) in and carefully replaced Cabooses Advil with Tylenol.

Griff: "Everyone knows Advil is better than Tylenol. With Tylenol, Caboose's pain will never go away. He is as good as dead. Only I could come up with such an ingenious plan."

Karin was thrown by Tex right next to Griff. Fortunately Griff used the art of camouflage. Now how exactly he blends in with a blue background while wearing black and orange is beyond me but he does it none the less.

Karin: "Caboose will never love you."

Tex: "I never said he would."

Karin: "Oh…well…good. Caboose is mine."

Tex: "Actually...he's Sheila's."

As you may have guessed it was only then that Sheila pulled up right next to blue base.

Sheila: "Hi guys."

Church: "Hey aren't you suppose to be kidnapped by O'Malley?"

Karin: "Aren't you suppose to be unconscious?"

Church: "…don't hit me."

Sheila: "I just visited Lopez."

Church "You mean, he and O'Malley are here?"

Karin: "If you don't want to be introduced to Mr. Hammer again you has best be quiet."

Church: "…eep…"

Tex: "If O'Malley is here, he must be planning something evil. Karin we will have to put our differences aside…for now."

Karin: "Why? How can I help you beat O'Malley?"

Tex: "You can't. But having to beat you up with one hand while fighting O'Malley with the other is going to be annoying."

Karin: "Beating me up with one hand? You didn't seem to have much luck when I had you pinned against the floor."

Tex: "Really well you must have forgotten the part right after that when I threw you against the wall."

Tucker: "WOOT! CAT FIGHT ROUND TWO!"

A hammer and an SMG both made contact with Tuckers head at the exact same time.

Tex: "Wow nice throw."

Karin: "Thanks. I pride myself in being able to do such bodily harm to perverts."

Griff: "Wow. I can't believe that Tucker actually caused some kind of bond between you two."

Karin: "OH MY GOD WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!"

Tex: "WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!"

Church: "WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!"

Karin: "I said be quiet!"

Karin Knocked Church out.

Griff: "MY COVER HAS BEEN BLOWN!"

Griff tried to jump out the window but there was no window so he ended up slamming his head against the wall.

Karin: "Wow. My X is really stupid."

Tex: "Hey do you know what this means?"

Karin: "What?"

Tex: "Girls are in charge of blue base."

Sheila, Tex, and Karin looked at the four unconscious guys.

Thus the girls rule over blue base began.

Karin: "In retrospect I should probably be mending their wounds right now." Karin started to dig into her medical kit.

Tex: "Yah and I should probably go find O'Malley." Tex walked out of the base.

Sheila: "I should probably restock on my ammo." Sheila went to…wherever.

Thus the girls rule over blue base ended.

At red base…

Simmons: "I wonder if Griff has been captured yet."

Donut: "I'm more curious about who gets Bob. And what will Freddy do to win back Mary Sue's affection?"

Simmons: "What are you talking about?"

Donut: "Oh I'm just watching a soap opera here. Catholics girlfriend just came in and got into a fight with Mary sue. The fight stopped because they figured out their neighbor, old man Freddy had been spying on them…in a ninja outfit."

Sarge: "Sounds a lot like our predicament here."

Simmons: "No it's not a soap opera yet."

Donut bolted up from the TV in shock.

Donut: "SARGE! Why is there a blonde hair on your shotgun!"

Sarge: "NOW it's a soap opera."

Donut: "What have you been doing behind my back!"

Sarge: "Ok now it's just getting annoying…"

Simmons: "Yah. As I was saying before, do you think Griff has been captured?"

Sarge: "He probably has."

Donut: "Maybe we can use Griff's attack as a distraction and make an attack of our own."

Sarge: "Good idea Donut. I'm glad I thought of it."

Simmons: "Yah it's not like there's another aspect of the plot that can get in our way.

Meanwhile…………….

O'Malley: "MWUAHAHAH! At last! MY PLAN IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!"

**How many pointless cliff hangers can I fit into one fic you ask? It's one of those ancient unknown questions, like what is the sound of a one handed clap. If a tree falls in the forest and no ones around to hear it does it make a sound? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie role center of a tootsie role tootsie pop? The world will simply never know. But there is one thing that the world DOES know. That REVIEWing MY FIC does not in any way PROLONG YOUR LIFE.**


	5. My kingdom for a cookie

**Chapter 5**

**My Kingdom for a Cookie**

**Well it looks like this fic is starting to rap up. It is really fun to write so I am going to prolong its end for as long as I can even though it will probably be within the next three chapters. I have thought of the ending though just in case you had any doubt in your mind I do have some idea of what I am going to do with this fic. Anyways do enjoy this next chapter.**

**Clark Cradic: I'm not saying the Naruto dub is as bad as one piece, or as bad as many many many other cut dubs but all they had to do was put it on adult swim. ALL THEY HAD TO DO! Yah it sucks for me cuz I literally got into Naruto about a month before Toonami announced they were airing it so fan subs became illegal JUST as I started to get hooked . Anyways your cross over fic sounds like it's gonna be hilarious. I personally would make Tucker pervert Sensai but that's just me. **

**Cpt.ShaneSchofield: Well who knows it COULD prolong your life. If you walk into a dark ally and someone jumps in front of you with a gun and says they won't let you pass unless you can tell them what tool Karin uses to beat her patients with, reading my fics would have helped prolong your life. Unless the guy doesn't like a smart ass then it helps shorten your life but either way it does something.**

**One True Koneko: Yes siblings can be a pain…HEY I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THAT PENGUIN GOD! But hey your still one of this fics most consistent reviewers. Give yourself a pat on the back! Or send an army of rabid penguins to destroy everyone you hate. That always makes me feel happy.**

Griff: "I don't care what fowl methods of torture you bestow upon me! I shall tell you nothing!"

Karin: "Out with it!" Karin held her hammer menacingly.

Griff: "Take your best shot! OW! Ok maybe not your best shot. OW! Ok maybe you should just not hit me at all."

Karin: "You better tell me what I need to know."

Griff: "Never."

Karin: "I have ways to make you talk."

Griff: "Yah by hitting me with your hammer and that hasn't worked so far! OW!"

Karin: "Maybe then I should just hit you a little harder."

Griff: "………you're really scary did you know that?"

Karin: "It's the type of thing you would say on our dates."

Griff: "I feel the most important aspect of a relation ship is honesty."

Karin: "Now you sound like that Doc person everyone has been telling me about."

Griff: "Well I do wish Doc was here he is a much better Doctor than…OW!"

Church woke up to the sound of a hammer striking Griff's head and a certain orange armored Spartan's cry of pain.

Church: "What's going on?"

Griff: "I will never tell!"

Karin: "You stubborn little brat!"

Karin hit Griff yet again.

Church: "Hey I'm in charge here I'm suppose to interrogate the prisoner."

Karin: "He isn't a prisoner right now he's a patient."

Church: "Huh?"

Karin: "Caboose woke up a little while ago and told me to help Griff."

Church: "How is hitting him helping him?"

Griff: "I WILL NEVER TELL YOU!"

Karin: "I need to give him a shot, but I need to know his blood type first."

Griff: "I WILL NEVER TELL!"

Karin: "He's afraid of shots."

Church: "Wow. Wait you're his girlfriend don't you know his blood type?"

Karin: "What kind of person knows their boyfriend's or girlfriend's blood type?"

Church: "What do you mean?"

Karin: "I mean…do you know Tex's blood type."

Church: "O positive."

Karin: "Wow. Jeeze how do you know these things."

Church: "Wait"

Karin: "What?"

Church: You're his girl friend AND a doctor and u don't know his blood type?

Karin: "…"

Church: "…"

Karin: "For the benefit of everyone in this room I'm going to change the subject. How do you know these things about Tex?"

Church: "I just know."

Karin: "What else do you know?"

Church: "Her phone number was 555-5555. But when I started to call her too much she changed it to 123-45678. That didn't seem to help. Her favorite type of food is starbursts, she eats roughly 2.3 starbursts a day. She has spent a total of 6 days 5 hours 32 minutes and 3 seconds of her life paying any attention to me, 87 days, 2 hours, 3 minutes, and 2 seconds doing any job as a mercenary. Her first kiss was a school play in third grade with a kid named bob. Her deepest darkest secret is that she once thought I was cute. She spends a total of 5 hours working out every week. Her measurements are…"

Karin: "OK! You can stop there. What do you do stalk her?"

Church: "I prefer to think of it as, following her without her knowledge."

Griff: "I SHALL NEVER TELL YOU!"

Church: "Can't you just take a sample of his blood to find out?"

Karin looked evilly down at Griff.

Griff: "AB positive! Please don't hurt me."

Church: "Oh come on it's just a tiny little shot."

Karin took out a needle roughly the size of your average Spartan.

Griff: "Why do you only use that when you need to give ME a shot?"

Karin: "Because you're my X."

Griff: "Um…we can always get back together if it will stop you from hitting me with that thing."

Griff must not have said the right thing because Karin repeatedly hit him with her hammer.

Karin: "oh suuuuuuurrrrreeeeee when I have a large needle in my hand you say we can get back together! When I stole your Oreo you said we should get back together! You! Stupid! Little!...um…maybe I shouldn't have hit him that hard.

Griff: "I can see a light."

Karin: "No you can't the power has been out since chapter one."

Griff: "What a warm light…If I could only stay within the reach of it's divine shield and bask in the eternal paradise which is it's nature."

Karin: "You suck at poetry." Karin stabbed her needle into Griff and injected whatever medicine she needed into the unfortunate Spartan.

Karin: "Now that I got that over with, I need to tend to Caboose some more."

Karin then took a seat next to Caboose and stared down intently at him.

Church: "Didn't you tell me he was awake?"

Karin: "He is awake."

Church: "But he's just lying there looking at the wall."

Karin: "He is watching paint dry."

Church: "But we haven't put a coat of paint down in months."

Karin: "He must have an awesome imagination to go with his charms, good looks, intelligence, strength, and cleanliness."

Church: "Someone is a bit to obsessive."

Karin: "Look who's talking I bet you know how many quarters Tex lost to a bad vending machine her whole life."

Church: "695"

Karin: "Wow…"

A loud explosion shook the base.

Tucker: "AH! WHATS HAPPENING!"

Church: "Oh it looks like the base is under attack."

Tucker: "I know that but what is Karin doing to Caboose?"

Karin was lying on top of Caboose.

Karin: "Um…the explosion knocked me into him."

Church: "Liar I saw you jump on him your just using that as an excuse."

Karin threw her hammer at Church's head.

Church: "OW! You really need to stop doing that!"

Tucker: "I wonder who's attacking us."

Griff: "Judging by the explosion, O'Malley. He has a thing for rocker launchers."

Outside of the base…

Lopez: "que les hacer?" (what are you doing)

O'Malley: "I told you I am attacking the base to create a suspenseful situation!"

Lopez: "por?" (why?)

O'Malley: " told you I am using this soap opera type drama against them. I am taping what happens and airing it on FOX as a reality TV show! And nobody likes reality TV! I will torture the world with the actions of these teams."

Doc: "How do you know FOX will air your show?"

O'Malley: "It's FOX!"

(Disclaimer: I don't own FOX or a fox. I wish I owned a fox, but I don't wish I owned FOX)

Lopez: "tu diseno leggar a ser liso peor entonces ante." (Your plans are becoming even worse than before.)

O'Malley: "This is a brilliant plan! I will call it something fancy like Red vs Blue! And unfortunate fools will watch it because they need to watch something before the Simpson's! And then it shall be so horrible that they bleed to death from their ears!"

Doc: "Why their ears?"

O'Malley: "Shut up you fool."

Sarge Griff and Simmons came charging down the hill shooting at blue base.

O'Malley: "What are they doing here?"

Lopez: "vez considerer estas ellas lucha en Guerra?" (Ever consider that they are fighting a war?)

Red team surrounded O'Malley.

Sarge: "Drop your rocket O'Malley or we will be forced to shoot."

O'Malley: "YOU FOOLS! Don't you think I'd have a back up plan!"

Sarge: "Course not."

Donut: "No."

Simmons: "No way."

O'Malley: "Oh well…I don't. But…TAKE THIS!"

O'Malley threw Lopez's head at Sarge, punched Simmons and ran past Donut.

Lopez: "les chupar!" (You suck!)

Donut: "Don't worry guys! I will take care of him."

Donut rapidly put his hands together performing weird hand signs, some of which required his fingers to be bent in such an awkward way that he broke four fingers.

Donut: "UCHIA FIREBALL!"

O'Malley: "…"

Lopez: "…"

Simmons: "..."

Sarge: "Nothing's happening."

Donut: "Ok maybe If I try something else." Donut repeated the process but this time yelled…

Donut: "DOPPLEGANER JUTSU!"

A SECOND Donut appeared next to the first, but two Donut's would threaten the balance of the universe so the second one exploded.

O'Malley: "…"

Sarge: "…"

Simmons: "…"

Lopez: "…"

Donut realized that all of his fingers were broken and all he could use were two thumbs.

Donut: "Oh well then. I'm sure my new ointment can fix this. Do you want to sample it?"

Donut sprayed what **looked** like a shampoo bottle into O'Malley's visor.

O'Malley: "AH I'M BLIND I CAN'T SEE!"

O'Malley ran around in circles until he ran into a rock and was knocked unconscious.

Church, Tucker, Caboose, Griff, and Karin walked out of blue base.

Church: "Wait that was YOU attacking us?"

Sarge stepped in front of O'Malley's unconscious body.

Sarge: "Yup. It was us. Completely our doing."

Church: "Ok. We will give you back your hostage if you stop attacking our base."

Sarge: "We couldn't care less about Griff! What we want is the quadruple stuffed mega Oreo."

Church: "We will give you the Oreo if you surrender to us."

Simmons: "We have you at gun point. Why would we do that?"

Church: "Oh right I forgot about that."

Tex: "Hey guys I haven't been able to find O'Malley yet so…"

Tex stared at red team for a second before pulling out her gun.

Tex: "All right put your weapons down and give up."

Using this split second of distraction, Griff tackled Caboose to the ground and put a gun to his head.

Caboose: "People like jumping on top of me today."

Karin: "GRIFF! GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND!"

Griff: "Will you get back together with me?"

Karin: "No way in hell."

Griff: "Then at least give me the Oreo."

Sheila, hearing the ruckus drove around blue base to come face to…um…cannon with Griff.

Everyone stared at each other for a bit.

Suddenly, despite having no legs to leap and no hands to press the trigger, Lopez leaped to O'Malley's rocket launcher and shot it at blue base.

The explosion knocked Church off the roof and made Sheila fire prematurely. Sheila's shot barely missed Tex, knocking her down and knocking her gun away from her.

Tucker ran at red team with his beam sword. Then he remembered that he was sick and started going into spasm's on the ground.

Karin jumped over to Griff and started beating him senseless with her hammer.

Sarge and Donut ran right past Griff while he was being attacked and pointed their guns to Church's forehead.

Sarge: "Tell whoever fired that shot at Tex to step off."

Simmons: "That was the tank sir."

Sarge: "There is no tank."

Church: "All right Sheila stop. "

Tex got up and ran at her gun, only to find Donut's pointing down at her.

Tex: "You wouldn't."

Donut: "Nope I probably wouldn't."

Tex knocked Donut down, took his gun, and aimed it at Sarge.

Simmons kept his gun aimed at Church while Sarge aimed his gun at Tucker.

Sarge: "Put your weapons down or we will shoot him."

Tex: "Do you think we care?"

Sarge pointed his gun towards Caboose.

Karin realized what was going on and tried to get to Caboose but Griff managed to pin her down.

Karin: "Let go of me! The one in teal armor is suffering from a case of penidimoboliumxioewugb! It's caused from hard objects hitting a person in the ribs and skull."

Church: "Once again your fault."

Griff: "Figures you can't solve a problem without making it worse."

Karin: "He will die if I don't treat him."

Church: "Maybe if you cared about any patient other than Caboose…"

Griff aimed his gun at Karin.

Griff: "You still need to tell us the location of the Oreo."

Griff was aiming his gun at Karin. Simmons was aiming his at Church. Sarge is aiming his at Caboose. Donut is down on the ground. Lopez's head was knocked somewhere far away by one of the explosions and O'Malley was unconscious. Tex was aiming her gun at Sarge. Karin wants to get to Caboose, and she needs to save Tucker. Church is doing nothing. Tucker is going into spasms and Sheila is not doing anything.

Sarge: "Is anyone else getting the feeling that the author is just finding a way to set up the scenario for the next chapter?"

**I wonder how chaotic that would look in an episode. Hm… yah it would probably look pretty funny. Well anyways this fic is starting to wrap up. There will be two more chapters after this one. Wow I must like the number seven both of my RvB fics so far have/will have seven chapters. Anyways R&R! The second R means review. As in press that little button just a little below, and a little to the left of this passage. **


	6. Random Guest Appearances

**Chapter 6:**

**Random Guest Appearances**

**What? This isn't a scam to encourage people to become obsessive reviewers! NO! I would never dream of doing something like this for that soul purpose! How could you say that? _Now with every three reviews you get your fourth free of charge. Not that there was any price to review in the first place but it's still a good idea. _I would never do something like that…I'm not very convincing am I?**

**Clark Cradic: Yes well exploiting cliff hangers is a good thing. Especially since you know that the suspense will be completely ruined in my next chapter because I have always something insanely random come to snap all of the tension. **

** (no really he didn't leave a name) excellent. Another follower of the penguins. Make three human sacrifices to them a month and you shall forever live a wonderful life, but never incur the penguins wrath. They have little pointy beaks of d00m. d00m is fuuuuunnnnnnn.**

**The One True Koneko: Meh, there are many things more hectic. A room full of grunts after you fire one shot into the air, a shop full of grunts after you fire a shot in the air, a planet full of grunts when you fire a shot into the….air….their just realized that whenever I think of hectic I think of grunts running around screaming for lives. How odd.**

**Mister Frodo: "LOL. Thanks for all of the reviews. If you had submitted those a week earlier then you would be in this chapter to. Oh well I'm more than sure I will have more random appearances like this. If you keep reviewing you will be in the future ones. **

**peirs50: It's not me it's Sarge. He's the one who tries to torture Griff. I am simply innocently coming up with new ways for him to do that. **

Last time on Red vs Blue…

Griff was aiming his gun at Karin. Simmons was aiming his at Church. Sarge is aiming his at Caboose. Donut is down on the ground. Lopez's head was knocked somewhere far away by one of the explosions and O'Malley was unconscious. Tex was aiming her gun at Sarge. Karin wants to get to Caboose, and she needs to save Tucker. Church is doing nothing. Tucker is going into spasms and Sheila is not doing anything.

In case you were wondering. The author simply used cut and paste from the last chapter in order to avoid writing that entire thing again.

Karin: "Look, just let me help Tucker. Then I will give you the Oreo and then you let me tend to Caboose."

Griff: "Don't trust her Sarge. She probably has a diabolical trick up her sleeve."

Sarge: "If Griff says no, than I am more than sure that the answer is yes."

Griff: "I have to stop walking into that."

Sarge: "You can help Tucker, but if you make even one false move, I'm pulling the trigger on Caboose."

Tex: "And if you do that then I shoot you."

Simmons: "And then I shoot Church."

Karin: And then I…kill Griff."

Sarge: "That sounds like a good idea. Can we skip to the part that you kill Griff."

Griff: "Just go already your friend is going into spasms."

Sheila: "Are you sure I shouldn't do anything Church."

Church: "It's a stand still. Both sides will loose if someone shoots."

Karin walked over to Tucker.

Karin: "Hm…" Karin placed her left hand gently on Tucker's forehead, and with her right hand slammed the hammer into his head."

Simmons: "Are you sure you know what your doing?"

Karin then took out a pill and shoved it down Tuckers throat.

Griff: "Wait can't you kill him doing that?"

Karin stared at Tucker for a second analyzing the situation. She then nodded slowly and delivered a sharp blow to Tucker's knee cap with her hammer.

Karin: "His disease is caused by bones I broke and dislocated in my brutal attacks. I simply had to fix them."

Church: "But you hit his knee. I thought you only attacked his head."

Karin: Yes. I said I dislocated some of his bones right?"

Church: "…wow…"

Sarge: "Now hand us the Oreo."

Karin: "Just one more thing." Karin grabbed a cell phone that had been lying beside Tucker for some unknown reason.

Griff aimed his gun at her head.

Griff: "HEY! What are you trying to pull?"

Karin: "MWUAHHAHA It is over now! I shall call the author to aid me." Karin dialed a random number.

Simmons: "Um Sarge shouldn't we shoot her."

Sarge: "Normally yes but I'm interested in what will happen if she contacts the author."

Simmons: "So you would let the author destroy us with his fiery wrath of burning things?"

Sarge: "Course not. I would let him kill Griff."

The phone stopped ringing and someone on the other end picked up.

Person: "Hello?"

Karin: "Hello is this the author Duo Jagan?"

Clark Cradic: "No this is one of his reviewers. Wait who are you?"

Karin: "IT'S ME! Karin! Technically I am your creation."

Clark Cradic: "Um…first of all how did you get this number. And how are you calling me?"

Karin: "I…don't…know."

Clark Cradic: "And what exactly can I do?"

Karin: "Send a pair of hunters down in a drop ship!"

Clark Cradic: "But only the author can…"

Karin: "I SAID SEND TWO HUNTERS IN A DROP SHIP!"

Clark Cradic: "...um…"

A drop ship with two hunters flew down from the sky.

Karin: "Thank you!"

Clark Cradic: "But I didn't do anything."

Karin: "Say your welcome if you want to live another day."

Clark Cradic: "Are you really suppose to be threatening me?"

Karin: "Probably not."

The drop ship touched down.

Church: "Um…aren't they suppose to be attacking us?"

One True Konenko: "Hey what's going on?"

Church looked back to see yet another reviewer.

Church: "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!"

One True Koneko: "I…don't…know."

Karin: "Huh?"

Church: "Oh great now people are popping up out of no where! This is just PERFECT! Wait this is a good thing. You can help us right?"

One True Koneko: "Sure." The reviewer walked over to Donut's unconscious body and started prodding it with a stick.

Church: "How exactly does this help?"

One True Koneko: "I'm not sure but chances are that at least one positive result will come from this."

Simmons: "Wait why aren't the hunters attacking."

Karin: "Hey why aren't you making your hunters attack?"

Clark Cradic: "I have no control over what these hunters do!"

Karin: "Fine! I'm calling the author!" Karin pressed the disconnect button.

Suddenly something fell down from the heavens, and landed on a rock.

Clark Cradic: "Ow…how did I get here?"

Karin: "What the hell kind of phone is this?"

Griff: "Am I the only one here who is just a BIT disturbed."

Tex: "Am I the only one here who doesn't know who these people are?"

Simmons: "These are the reviewers. Haven't you been paying any attention?"

Tex: "Obviously no."

Karin dialed the phone again.

Person: "Hello?"

Karin: "Is THIS Duo Jagan?"

Person: "No."

Karin: "Oh…"

Person: "…"

Karin: "Who are you?"

CptshaneSchofield: "CptshaneSchofield."

Karin: "Oh. I don't suppose you could do anything to help me in this current predicament?"

CptshaneSchofield: "Nope."

Karin: "Do you even know who I am?"

CptshaneSchofield: "Nope."

Karin: "I'm Karin!"

CptshaneSchofield: "How did you get this number?"

Karin: "I KEEP TELLING YOU I DON'T KNOW!"

CptshaneSchofield: "Ok then…"

Karin: "Can so say a single sentence with more than six words?"

CptshaneSchofield: "Let me get back to you on that."

Karin: "Whatever bye."

Karin pressed the disconnect button

Everyone: "NO!"

Another object fell from the heavens. This time it was a potato.

Karin: "…ok…"

Then CptshaneSchofield popped out of a plot hole.

Clark Cradic: "Wait why does he get to come out of a plot hole while I fall from one hundred feet above the ground?"

CptshaneSchofield: "I have no idea but I am not complaining."

Clark Cradic: "I'm the BEST reviewer. No offense to you guys. Why does he make ME land on a rock?"

A large sum of money randomly dropped out of the sky and landed in Clark Cradic's arms.

Clark Cradic: "….ok never mind then."

The One True Koneko walked over to the two other reviewers.

The One True Koneko: "I have determined that Donut is unconscious."

Griff: "Took you long enough."

The One True Koneko: "Sadly, my ability to warp dimensions unintentionally has left me slightly insane. But that just means I fit right in."

Griff: "Did she just insult me?"

Simmons: "Wouldn't be the first time. You should be use to it right now."

The One True Koneko: "I wasn't TRYING to insult him. It was completely unintentional."

Karin: "That's great and all but now that you three are here can you help me?"

Clark Cradic: "Oh right. HUNTERS ATTACK!...or…something…what are we doing here again?"

Hunter: "\/\/3 P0\/\/\/Z0R j00!"

Sarge: "GRIFF! HOLD THEM OFF!"

Griff: "Do you really think that I can do any…" Griff was cut off as a hunter threw him into the air.

Hunter: "7#!5 #U/\/\4/\/ \/\/0lll) /\/\4l 3 4 /\! 3 845l 37 8411."

Hunter 2: "j4# 1375 P14j 47 #."

The two hunters threw Griff back and forth.

Griff: "Getting…nauseous…why don't they just kill me?"

Clark Cradic: "Somehow I envisioned more wide spread destruction."

The hunters got tired and took a nap.

The One True Koneko: "Don't worry I can cause more wide spread disaster."

An Army of Jackles randomly appeared out of a plot hole.

Sarge: "GRIFF! Now use yourself as a shield against those Jackles."

Simmons: "Actually Sarge I think I have a solution that will get us out of here quickly."

Simmons threw several packets of sugar into the midst of the Jackles. Who lunged at the sugar, killing each other as they went.

One True Koneko: "Hey that's not fair. What can you do Schofield?"

CptshaneSchofield: "Ahem…Ha Ha."

What looked like four giant letters appeared in the sky. The letters consisted of two H's and to A's. (If you looked at his reviews you would understand)

The letters crashed down at Blood Gulch, but sadly the letters were so big that all of blood Gulch fit inside the second A.

Clark Cradic: "I don't suppose anyone would care to explain how we spontaneously became able to summon armies of jackles, command hunters, and make giant letters of doom appear in the sky?"

The One True Koneko: "I have no idea but quite frankly I don't care as long as I can make a large amount of jackles appear out of no where.

Griff: "That's it! I'm destroying the phone! Where did you get that anyways?"

Karin: "I found it lying on the ground."

Griff: "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to pick up magic phones lying in the middle of the canyon."

Karin: "No just, brush your teeth at night, don't take candy from strangers unless it's liquorish, a hammer a day keeps the pervert away, and always make sure that your grenade has a pin in it."

Griff: "Yah I learned that last one the hard way."

Church: "Just destroy the phone! She may get someone who actually helps!"

Karin: "Fine…"

Voice: "Don't do it!"

ANOTHER person or thing descended from the heavens…and landed on her head. I guess it's a person after all.

Sanzoeclipsekuramaarehot: "STOP RIGHT THERE!"

Everyone gasped.

Tex: "Who are you."

Sanzoeclipsekuramaarehot: "I am Sanzoeclipsekuramaarehot. But you can call me Sekah."

Church: "Why Sekah?"

Sanzoeclipsekuramaarehot: "SanzoEclipseKuramaAreHot."

Church: "Yes we know your name but why should we call you Sekah?"

Sekah: "**S**anzo**E**clipse**K**urama**A**re**H**ot."

Sarge: "I don't get it."

Sekah: "Oh screw it. Look here's the deal. This chapter has three points. To give the readers a little gap of time between chapter five and the last chapter, to reward the best reviewers with a short appearance in this fic...although it's not as SHORT as Duo-Chan suggested." Sekah glared up menacingly at wherever the author was.

Church: "Duo…**Chan?**"

Church was about to explode into laughter but an ominous group of storm clouds forming right above him made him think better of it.

Sekah: "And finally the last point was to make a big deal about the fact that Duo's fics…finally…have another Beta Tester!"

The following silence seemed to suggest that no one cared.

Sekah: "…namely me."

More silence

Sekah: "And I will actually focus on Duo's horrible grammar."

Sarge: "OMG!"

Church: "OMG!"

Griff: "OH MY GOD!"

Karin: "OMG!"

Caboose: "GOMZ!"

Tex: "OMG!"

Simmons: "OMG!"

Clark Cradic: "OMG!"

The One True Koneko: "OMG!"

CptshaneSchofield: "OMG!"

Anyone who the author forgot about who isn't unconscious: "OMG!"

Karin: "Wait isn't Caboose suppose to be unconscious?"

Caboose: "O..M…L…P…What was it again?"

Sekah: "Yah. Remember how in chapter 3 Duo kept muttering about how his best friend who happens to be a yaoi fan girl?"

Everyone: "Yes."

Sekah: "Ta da!"

Silence………………………………………

Sekah: "As in…I'm the yaoi fan girl friend."

Everyone: "oooohhhh….."

Sekah: "Yah. Anyways now that I have FINALLY read Duo's fics, I can kill him for his bad grammar."

Sarge: "What about Penguin God."

Sekah: "He is still a beta reader it's just now there's also a beta reader who will actually force Duo to write better than a blind monkey."

Does a blind monkey really have better grammar than a normal monkey?

Sekah: "I have no Idea."

Yah the point of these last three pages now is that Sekah here may beta read my future chapters. No absolute guaranties. The way it will work is as normal I will write my fics, have Penguin God read them, recommend Idea's and laugh. Then I will try to update before Sekah can kill me for…I mean…um…LOOK A DISTRACTION!

Sekah: "Now if you will excuse me my role in this chapter is over." Sekah looked over at the reviewers.

Sekah: "You guy should go to."

CptshaneSchofield: "We have no idea how to get back."

Sekah: "There should be a button on that cell phone that says **return reviewers and Sekah to wherever they came from**."

Karin looked at the phone.

Karin: "Wow I can't believe that I didn't notice that earlier."

Karin pressed the button and the three reviewers, and Sekah all disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Karin: "Whatever." Karin threw the phone over to the I-pod with bullet holes in it currently under a giant sign labeled **PLOT DEVICES**.

Tex: "Then what is the point of this chapter?"

Griff: "Oh right! Give us the quadruple stuffed mega Oreo OR ELSE!"

Karin: "Fine."

Karin took out her hammer, and pulled out the bottom of the handle.

Griff: "I can't believe I didn't look there sooner."

Karin pulled out THE Oreo.

Griff: "Now hand it over to me before anything else random could happen that would stop me from getting it."

A really large group of Religious fanatics charged down to blue base.

Griff: "IT'S TOO LATE!"

Religious fanatic 1: "DAMN IT! The holy reviewers have already left! We can no longer worship them!"

Religious fanatic 2: "Wait what is that?"

The Religious fanatics looked at the Oreo.

Religious fanatic: 1 "THE OREO! Long have we searched for THE Oreo. Oreo's are holy symbols. Their symmetrical crunchy outside, encasing the holy middle. Their contrast of black and white, and light and dark are that which only a god could bestow. And alas we have found THE Oreo. We must worship it!"

Religious Fanatic 3: "I thought we worshiped the flag."

Religious Fanatic 1: "WE CAN WORSHIP MORE THAN ONE INANIMATE OBJECT IF WE WANT!"

Griff lunged at the Oreo but Karin swiftly hit Griff with her hammer. The religious fanatics charged, and O'Malley and Donut woke up due to the loud noise.

Religious Fanatic 1: "CHARGE!"

Griff: "Oh no not another cliff hanger! PLEASE NOT ANOTHER CLIFF HANGER PLE

**HAHA! Yes another Cliff hanger. Believe it or not I do this unintentionally. Anyways yes this chapter was ALMOST pointless but I wouldn't have enough room to properly introduce Sekah, make the fanatics show up, AND be able to do all of that other stuff. Anyways the conclusion to the fic is next chapter and YES there will be another fic after that and NO I'm not taking idea's for this one I already have it planned out. R&R. **


	7. My Life For The Oreo

**Chapter 7:**

**My Life For The Oreo**

**Yuppers it's the last chapter of this fic. And there will be another one after this so don't pout, or cry, or shoot me, or celebrate, or commit sepeku for no particular reason. Seppuku should always be committed for a specific reason such as all of the anime in the world disappearing. **

**Cpt.ShaneSchofield: Yes giant letters of doom are fun. All you need to take over the world is an army of penguins, letters of doom, and a toaster. Actually you only need the penguins. **

**Clark Cradic: Just friends. JUST FRIENDS! Yaoi, fan girl, (FRIEND) Not Yaoi girl friend….yahh sorry about that this isn't exactly the first time I have had to explain that. Except the other times I usually have to speak veeeerrrrryyy slowlyyyy. Use visual aid…repeat myself a thousand times…and eventually get bored and kill the person… I mean uh...what corpse? There is no corpse? WHY MUST YOU SPEAK OF CORPSES!**

**Peirs50: Yes the way it works is I use my divine power as an author to bend the fabric of space and time to speak with fictional characters. Then I tell Sarge exactly what to do in order to inflict pain of Griff. Then I realize that I can't bend space and time even though I am an author and spontaneously combust…and then I repeat the process. If that doesn't make sense congratulations you're a sane human being. **

**The One True Koneko: NO! Not the medicine! Run RUN FOR THE HILLS! And if that doesn't work just tell the nice men in white that George Bush claimed that he was America's most intelligent man and they will have to switch priorities immediately. It works for me every time.**

**Isaac Malott: Yah I plan to have more things like last chapter. They are fun to write and the subliminal messaging hidden everywhere really helps gets more reviewers. Review or DIE! Did I say subliminal messaging? I mean…references to Naruto…yah…that's it. **

**Mister Frodo: I can honestly say that as I was writing it, I had NO idea what was going on my self. But the good thing is that I managed to maintain my lack of sanity while writing it. :D **

For those of you that are confused, religious fanatics are charging down at everyone. And everyone is conscious. And that's pretty much it.

In the midst of the confusion Lord of the rings music starts to play.

Griff: "Gandalf?"

A religious fanatic with a purple flag stood atop the hill.

Fanatic: "The horn of Rohan has sounded. The king has called for help."

Other Fanatic: "No it hasn't…and this isn't Rohan. And those aren't even the right lines."

Fanatic: "….shut up."

A large group of fanatics appeared on the hill behind the one with the flag.

Fanatics: "FOR PARODYS AND CROSS OVERS!"

The Camera angle changes as the fanatics charge at the Oreo…accidentally charging over and killing the group of fanatics that was already headed towards the Oreo.

Red Fanatic: "HEY! That crowd that we just murdered, mainly had red people in it…THIS IS THE BLUES WAY OF KILLING US!"

Fanatic: "Wait! We are united now remember the purple flag!" The fanatic raised his flag in the air. Then O'Malley shot a rocket into the flag, making it burst into flames.

Blue Fanatic: "The flag was destroyed! This must be a sign that we must fight each other again!"

Red fanatic: "We shall get the Oreo before you!"

The fanatics started fighting each other.

Sarge: "Such brave soldiers. Starting a civil war amongst themselves despite a common enemy. If only we could be more like them."

Simmons: "Um shouldn't one of us run over and get the Oreo…which for some reason no one else has even tried to pick up."

Tex ran over the Oreo.

Simmons: "I stand corrected."

Tex: "Looks like I win."

Tex bent down to pick up the quadruple stuffed mega Oreo when…

A GIANT LAWN MOWER FELL FROM THE SKY AND CRUSHED HER!...ok actually Griff just tackled her.

Karin tried to pick up the Oreo as Griff and Tex were beating each other with rifles.

Church: "SHEILA DO SOMETHING!"

A tank shot hit the ground next to the Oreo, knocking it about fifty feet away without even scratching it.

Church: "How was that not destroyed?"

Simmons: "How was that not destroyed?"

Donut: "I was thinking of trying a new lavender shampoo."

Tex: "How was that not destroyed?"

Caboose: "I think I got it. O…M…H! No what was it again?"

Sarge: "How was that not destroyed?"

Fanatic: "How was that not destroyed?"

Red fanatic: "KILL BLUE!"

Blue Fanatic: "KILL BLUE! I mean….KILL RED!"

Griff: "How was that not destroyed?"

Sheila: "New target acquired."

The Oreo landed between Andy and Lopez.

Lopez: "…" (Translation: "…")

Andy: "…"

Griff: "HA! The power of Oreo's can not be stopped!" Griff realized that he was in a fist fight with Tex. Then he remembered he was a coward who didn't know how to fight.

Griff: "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

Tex kicked Griff between the legs.

Everyone: "OUCH!"

Tex then attempted to rip out Griff's skull so she could beat him to death with it, but Griff's brain was so compact (small) that she couldn't get it. So instead she ripped out the skull of a random religious fanatic and beat Griff with it.

O'Malley: "LOPEZ GET THE OREO!"

Church: "ANDY GET THE OREO!"

Andy and Lopez sat perfectly still.

Church: "COME ON!"

Andy: "In case you forgot…I don't have legs."

Sheila: "Target acquired." Sheila's main cannon shot Andy, knocking him into Lopez's head which flew into O'Malley's face.

Andy: "And THAT! Is for calling me bowling ball!"

Church: "But he didn't call you bowling ball…you don't even meet until next episode. Besides it was Sheila that did that."

Andy: "Let me have my moment!"

Doc: "Wow I think O'Malley Is unconscious. That's odd I don't know how an AI can become unconscious. Well whatever. Lopez I am taking you home."

Lopez: "……." (Translation: I hate you)

Doc dragged Lopez away while the fanatics finished killing each other.

Red Fanatic: "So there are only three of us left. Red blue and purple."

Blue Fanatic: "I will kill you."

Purple Fanatic: "Guys we must work together to get the Oreo."

Blue Fanatic: "Hey he's right! We should work together."

Red Fanatic: "Why did we not think of that before!"

The three fanatics charged at the Oreo.

A certain insane doctor stepped in the way…NO NOT DOC YOU IDIOTS! I'm talking about Karin.

Fanatics: "It is three on one! We can take you."

Karin: "I am a trained doctor. I can take on all three of you."

Blue Fanatic: "How does being a doctor help you fight?"

Karin pulled out two SMG's.

Purple Fanatic: "OH NO!"

…………………

……………………….

…………………………….

Red Fanatic: "Why Aren't we dead yet?"

Karin: "I don't know how to use a gun."

Purple Fanatic: "Just pull the triggers."

The SMG's shot out a burst of bullets that killed the Blue and Red Fanatic.

Karin: "AH! I KILLED SOMEONE!"

Purple Fanatic: "AH! I HELPED HER KILL SOMEONE!"

Karin and the Fanatic ran in two opposite Directions.

Griff ran out of no where and grabbed the Oreo.

Griff: "At last I HAVE THE OREO!"

Church, Simmons, Sarge, And Tex, all gave him a worried look.

Griff: "What?"

Church: "Isn't Tex beating you to death with a fanatic's skull?"

Tex held up Griff's corpse.

Simmons: "What are there two of you now?"

Griff: "No. That was a Dopple ganger!"

Simmons: "But don't Dopple gangers disappear when they die?"

Griff: "Yah…oh….that must be the real Griff then and I must be a dopple ganger."

The Griff at the Oreo disappeared in a puff of smoke and the Griff that Tex was holding screamed in agony and started rolling around on the floor in pain.

Sarge: "My human sacrifices to the author have worked! Thank you great and holy author."

Simmons: "Don't you have anything better to do than see Griff in pain?"

Sarge: "Shut up traitor."

Church ran over to the Oreo hoping that no other force of nature would get in his way.

Donut choose that time to run over to the Oreo and pick it up before Church.

Everyone: "GASP!"

Donut: "Did you just say gasp?"

Everyone Gasped…U HAPPY!

Donut: "Much better."

Everything starts to go in slow motion…Donut slowly levels the Oreo with his mouth. Donut is starting to bite the Oreo…when…

Nothing stops him.

Donut eats the 1000 year old Oreo. In retrospect that was probably a bad idea.

Donut fell on the ground and started going into spasms.

Griff: "NO! IT WAS WASTED ON HIM! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO EAT IT? WHY!"

Simmons: "Um Sarge shouldn't we do something?"

Sarge: "We have been standing her doing nothing but talking and gasping for the last two chapters. I see no reason to change plans now."

Simmons: "But Donut is dieing."

Sarge: "Are you saying you disagree with the author?"

Simmons: "NO! I never said that."

Sarge: "Good because since this fic takes place between episodes 72 and 73, I need to get back into calling you a traitor by the end of this fic."

Simmons: "Ok sir I understand."

Sarge: "Filthy traitor."

Simmons: "God damn it!"

Karin ran over to Donut.

Karin: "There is only one thing we can do to cure him!"

Karin kicked Donut in the ribs.

Church: "Seriously…are you SURE you know what your doing?"

Donut jumped up.

Donut: "THAT WAS GREAT! THE BEST THING I EVER TASTED!"

Griff started crying.

Tucker awoke from his unconscious state.

Tucker: "That was anticlimactic."

Tucker fell back to his unconscious state.

Karin's cell phone beeped. Her normal one not the magic one.

Karin picked up her cell phone.

Karin: "Uh-huh…ok…I understand." Karin hung up the phone with a sigh and turned back to everyone else.

Karin: "Well guys I have to go. My mission was to save the life of one idiot…and now that Donut is saved command needs me to do something else. There is someone in waterworks who just spontaneously combusted while eating chocolate. They need me there on the double."

Church: "But you haven't cured Tucker yet."

Karin: "I cured the damage that I dealt to him."

Church: "HOW DOES THAT HELP!"

Karin: "It doesn't."

Church: "Stupid little…"

A drop ship came out of the sky.

Karin: "Wow that was quick."

Karin turned to Caboose.

Karin: "I will always love you Caboose."

Karin leaned in to kiss Caboose, but they were both wearing helmets.

Karin: "GOD DAMN THIS SPARTAN ARMOR FOR RUINING THE END OUR ROMANTIC STORY!"

Sarge: "Wait this was a romance story? I thought it was humor."

Simmons: "Actually it's…"

Sarge: "SHUT UP DIRT BAG!"

Griff: "So Karin…any chance of us getting back together."

Karin hugged Caboose and climbed into the drop ship.

Griff: "Is that a maybe?"

Karin: "Fare well!"

Griff: "Will we ever see you again!"

Karin: "Who knows? In a sequel you may need a doctor."

Griff: "Oh…so there's still a chance of getting back together?"

Karin: "No."

Karin's drop ship flew away.

Church: "Hey I just noticed something funny."

Tex: "What."

Church: "The drop ship's pilot is a penguin."

Simmons: "That can only mean…"

Duo Jagan and Penguin God appeared behind the Spartans.

Duo: "Yup were here."

Church: "Why didn't you come out earlier?"

Penguin god: "You mean when she was here? No way Karin scares us."

Duo: "Yes it's sad we have been very careful not to make her wrath slide in our direction this entire fic."

Church: "But…you're the author. You control her!"

Duo: "Hence the reason it's sad."

Simmons: "So THIS is how you end a romance fic?"

Duo: "No silly. The cheesy corny ending shall be in a few sentences I am here because…well…I am bored."

Simmons: "You ran out of idea's and are just trying to use something random to make this fic funny."

Duo: "Pretty much yah. Except I never run out of ideas. Never…I already thought of the sequel."

Simmons: "When will it be out?"

Duo: "I will start working on it right away."

Simmons: "So remind me what is the point of you being here?"

Duo walked over to Church and gave him an SMG.

Duo: "I took this from you in the third chapter and forgot to give it back. It did come in handy killing the giant white out of doom."

Church: "What?"

Duo: "Oh um…nothing."

Church: "Wait you took a pistol from me."

Penguin God: "Then where did the SMG come from?"

MEANWHILE ON A PLANET THAT COULD HAVE SOME RELEVENCE TO THE NEXT FIC (hint hint, nudge nudge, poke poke, wink wink, shoot shoot, burn burn.)

Random Spartan #76: "Well guys the flood has surrounded us and we are out of ammo…but fortunately my side weapon is an SMG with just enough ammo to kill these guys."

The Spartan took out a pistol.

Random Spartan#76: "WHERE DID THIS COME FROM! OH GOD NOT THE FACE NOT THE…"

Due to this fic's rating the following scene has been cut out.

BACK AT BLOOD GULCH

Penguin God: "You have to wonder if Duo actually thinks his plots out or just makes stuff up as he goes."

Duo: "A combination of the two of course. Anyways there is your SMG. Enjoy."

Church: "It's not mine."

Duo: "SHUT UP! I have something to tell you of vital importance…"

The two hunters from chapter six that were sleeping through all of this woke up.

Hunter: "100l 4 5/\/4 1 ."

Hunter 2: "! 837 #3 \/\/0ll1l) 74573 6R347 \/\!7# #07 54ll 3."

Hunter: "N0 #3 \/\/0llll) 74573 6R347 \/\!7# 6R4V3Y!"

Duo: "YOU FOOLS! I would taste better when scorched with plasma."

The two hunters looked at their arms/cannons.

Duo: "I mean uh… OH LOOK A PENGUIN!"

Hunter: "#0W 6U114813 l)035 #3 7#!Nl W3 R?"

Then a fluffy penguin tackled the first hunter and ate the second one (in one bite) with some **MEGA SUPER ULTRA STUPDENDIOUSLY AMAZINGLY FANTASTICALL HOT SAUCE**. The bold print makes the taste.

Penguin God: "Well our work here is done."

Duo: "Agreed."

The two authors disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Church: "Wait what were you going to tell us!"

Tex: "Forget this I'm going after Wyoming again."

Church: "Yah and since Tucker is still sick I think I am going to call Doc. It's surprising he managed to even say one line in this chapter."

Tucker woke up.

Tucker: "I LIKE HOT CHICKS!"

Tucker fell back into a state of unconsciousness.

Donut: "Griff I tell you that was the BEST thing I have ever eaten."

Griff: "You aren't helping."

Sarge: "Well Simmons we successfully managed to stay in these exact spots for two chapters. Job well done lets go home."

Griff: "You guys go ahead without me…we need to end this fic with a cheesy line."

Griff looked up at the stars.

Griff: "Wherever you are Karin…I shall find you. I will never forget you."

Caboose: "Forget who?"

Griff: "Dude…I can NOT believe she choose you over me."

All of a sudden a group of words started traveling up in the Camera's path.

Griff: "Aw crap the credits."

**Voice actors: no one.**

**Special Effects: no one.**

**People who tried to sue the author: George Bush, Michel Jackson, Tom Cruise, figment of the authors imagination, Masashi Kishamoto**

**People who SUCCEDED in suing the author: figment of the authors imagination**

**Artists: Random Penguin#36**

**Author: THE ALL MIGHTY DUO JAGAN!**

**Beta testers: Penguin god, Sekah**

**Plot design: Coffee**

**Marketing director: Oreo**

**A special thanks to**

**Everyone who reviewed**

**INSERT YOUR NAME HERE for reading this**

**Everyone who didn't tell me how bad it was**

**Penguin God for his loyal beta reading**

**Sekah for finally reading my fics.**

**Whoever the hell invented Oreos: Because of all of my Oreo jokes.**

**Masashi Kishamoto: For making Naruto**

**Bungie: For making Halo**

**Rooster Teeth: For making RvB**

**Duo Jagan: For making this fic**

**My three best reviewers: **

**Clark Cradic: Still my best reviewer. He started reading my fics in the middle of Revenge of the Robots and has submitted a review per chapter ever since. All of which are anonymous. **

**CptShaneSchofield: Somehow he is able to make all of his reviews less than 20 words, and most of them with the words ha ha.**

**The One True Koneko: Started reviewing my RvB fics in this story. She writes good fics you should read them but she has this odd obsession over Jackles.**

**People who are starting to catch up with my three best reviewers**

**Mister Frodo: Just started reviewing recently and is already my fourth best reviewer.**

**Another thanks to Rooster Teeth for not suing me. **

**And a special thanks to everyone who I forgot to thank.**

Griff: "Man those are really weird credits."

**Yup that's how I end a fic. With weird credits. I actually think that was clever on my part but if you think it was completely idiotic I suppose you are entitled to your own opinion. Well at any rate read and review. I will start working on the next fic right away.**


End file.
